The Last Legion

While Colin Firth is hauling his way up a cliff in Capri to try and save young Roman Emperor Thomas Sangster (that Brit moppet who isn't Freddie Highmore) from nasty, pointed-helmet wearing barbarians, you almost expect the 47-year-old actor to sigh, "I'm too old for this shit." He doesn't, but his bemused performance in The Last Legion radiates the sentiment.

The Last Legion starts out in the BBC's 'Rome' territory but ends up in Excalibur country, on its way passing through the haphazard realms of 2004's comparable mash-up of cod-Roman classicism and utter nonsense, King Arthur.

The direction from former storyboard artist, second unit director and TV director Doug Lefler, whose only feature to date is Dragonheart 2, the writing from Jez and Tom Butterworth (who partly based their script on historian Valerio Manfredi's book 'The Last Legion') and the edit by Simon Cozens are all too rough round the edges to give the film any distinction.

The Last Legion will appeal to boys aged between about eight and 13. There's plenty of swordplay but no blood, the romance is chaste (lips don't even meet), and there's even an identification figure in the form of Sangster's Romulus Augustus, the boy Caesar who gets to wear armour and carry a sword.

The film opens in 476AD with Romulus surveying Rome, a troubled city. Romulus has a run-in with Aurelius (Firth), a general who's been away from Rome for a decade and finds the place "difficult and uneasy". Romulus is saved from Aurelius and his gang of rough and tough likely lads (Friend, Anonzie, Teale) by his mentor, Ambrosinus (Kingsley), who sports a sword-and-pentangle-shaped scar on his chest and talks in something loosely resembling a Welsh accent which, in voiceover, sets the scene for the film and his quest for "a sword of great power." Hmm, who could he be?

After a few scenes with Romulus's dad Orestes (Glenn) and Aurelius's old senator friend Nestor (Hannah), Rome is suddenly invaded by goth Odoacer (Mullan), a disgruntled former ally. Despite his henchman Wulfila (McKidd, here playing the panto baddie) wanting to slaughter Romulus and end the bloodline of Caesar, Odoacer instead sends him to "the fortress island of Capri".

After some counsel with the Theodorus Andronikos (Siddig), ambassador from the Eastern Roman Empire, Aurelius and Co, accompanied by Eastern warrior babe Mira (Rai, the Bollywood star who's broadened her remit with roles in Bride & Prejudice and The Mistress Of Spices), head for Capri to save the boy emperor. He's there with Ambrosinus, the glowery Wulfila and a load of dirty, big-haired barbarian troops.

Miraculously, our heroes pull off their mission. Romulus even finds time to find that sword - okay, it's Excalibur: "One edge to defend, one to defeat. In Britannia was I forged, to fit the hand of he who is destined to rule." The big problem is what happens next. Odoacer has suddenly learned Roman politics and taken control of the senate and armies. All, that is, except the 9th, the titular Last Legion, in Britannia.

So, with a Lord Of The Rings-style traipse across the mountains and a two-minute montage providing ellipsis for an epic journey across Europe, our gang arrive in Britannia, Ambrosinus falling on his knees to kiss the shingle beneath the Seven Sisters, and intoning "My beloved Britannia" with a Welshy roll to his Rs.

All looks lost though when they get to Hadrian's Wall and can't find any sign of the Legion. Oh, and there's the threat of Wulfila and his gang pursuing them and teaming up with Ambrosinus' old nemesis, the golden mask-wearing baddie Vortgyn (Van Gorkum). It's an exhausting megamix of history and legend. And despite how crowded it gets, you know they're just going to throw in a coda with old Arthur too.

The silly action takes a predictable course, building towards a big battle, with Firth making the requisite rousing speech beforehand, and the various characters pairing off for final showdowns; so Mira with her Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-style Keralan martial arts moves gets to face off with Hrothgar and his huge hammer, etc.

The final battle highlights the shortcomings of the film, with its little-known director, its middling $67 million budget and its iffy special effects. But if you're an adult and you've got into the spirit of things, it's fine, and if you're a pubescent boy, it's dandy.