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One Missed Call
Death dials a wrong number in yet another dire J-horror remake. Hang up! Hang up!
Like Sadako's curse in Ring - which compelled its victims to make copies of a videotape of doom - Asian horror seems destined to be rehashed and repeated ad nauseum by lazy Hollywood producers. With multiplexes already clogged up with self-replicating clag like Pulse and Dark Water, not to mention the seemingly endless entries in the cinematic conveyor belt that is The Grudge cycle, this latest J-horror remake doesn't have to set its sights very high. Nor does it bother. Its provenance is complicated to say the least. In 2003 Takaashi Miike directed J-horror One Missed Call, a blatant attempt to cash in on the post-Ring mood, based on a Japanese novel and influenced by 2002 Korean telecoms chiller Phone. Miike's deliriously silly take on the conventions of ghost girls and technophobia was entertaining enough to spawn sequels and a TV show in Japan and this Hollywood remake. Like almost every other anglicized J-horror, something is definitely lost in translation. While Miike assaulted us with self-mocking scares that didn't take anything too seriously, One Missed Call is an exercise in deadpan seriousness (there is one hilarious moment at the beginning in which a cat is drowned by the vengeful ghost stalking the movie; but it would be a charitable viewer who decided this was deliberately funny). Shannyn Sossamon (Wristcutters: A Love Story) plays college student Beth whose friends are being murdered in mysterious circumstances. Shortly before they kick it, each receives a voicemail message of themselves being killed. That's seriously spooky, although it's nothing compared to the tinkling music that accompanies each call ("That's not my ring tone...") Weaving a tediously convoluted tale about child abuse, vengeful spirits and techno-panic, the screenplay by former crime writer Andrew Klavan relies heavily on Miike's original set-pieces as Beth watches her friends being killed one by one. The 15 rating allows for little gore and one of the original's best-loved scenes (a severed hand still dialing) is noticeably toned down. Instead we get endless glimpses of flickering, strobing ghosts and a botched attempt to recreate Miike's finest moment as a reality TV exorcist (here played by Ray Wise)who bites off more than he can chew. There are no jumps, no scares and no surprises except for the sight of an actor of Edward Burns's calibre marking time in such pap, playing Beth's police detective ally. According to publicity interviews, French director Eric Valette (Malefique) instructed his cast and crew not to watch Miike's original and deliberately avoided it himself. In retrospect that looks like a heinous mistake. If Valette had been less precious, he might have realized that the original succeeded because it played with J-horror conventions in a pastiche that was full of chutzpah. Instead, Valette delivers a US remake that misses not just the call, but the whole point. Verdict Misdialing every scare this dull remake can't muster tension or interest, yet still has the cheek to threaten a sequel as the credits roll. Don't call us, 'One Missed Call 2' we'll call you. |
