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Mean Machine
In a high security prison, a disgraced former England football captain is forced into organising a cons versus warders soccer game. Vinnie Jones headlines the comedy-drama remake of the 1970s Burt Reynolds vehicle
It must have seemed like such a good idea. Surfing on a wave of Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch-fuelled new lad hysteria, what could be better than remaking a minor classic that starred the archest lad of them all, Burt Reynolds? What could be better? How about sticking your fingers in a light socket? In Robert Aldrich's 1974 original (also known as The Longest Yard), Reynolds was an American football player chucked out of the game for cheating and then banged up in chokey after getting drunk and hitting a policeman. In the remake, Vinnie Jones is a disgraced England football captain (booted out for fixing a match between England and Germany), but the rest of the set-up is pretty much the same. As are most of the characters and great lumps of the dialogue. The main difference is that the Reynolds version worked, and this doesn't. Why? Well, the original managed to keep a healthy balance between comedy and drama. It was a bit of a potboiler but it never sacrificed believability to the extent that all tension died nor ramped up the prison grittiness to the point that the laughs seemed uncomfortable. The Jones remake manages to do both, rattling unconvincingly between Scum-style nastiness and ham-fisted slapstick. By the time the climactic football match trudges into sight, there isn't enough aimless mugging and desperate stylistic changes in the world to recapture an audience already mentally compiling tomorrow's shopping list. Mean Machine has one redeeming feature, though. And that's Jones himself. Even ankle deep in a dodgy script with his feet nailed to the floor by abysmal direction, he's difficult to take your eyes off. He will go on to bigger and better things. He couldn't do any smaller or worse. Verdict It says a lot that the best thing about this film is Vinny Jones. |
