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Conan the Destroyer
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Grace Jones star in this sword and sorcery relic
Wind the wheel back to 1984, that year of fear and portent, when a man developed in musculature, if not eloquent English language skills, dominated the cinema. Arnold Schwarzenegger's turn that year in The Terminator came to define the era, the film's vision of a post-nuclear future encapsulated in his robotic performance. But his other 1984 movie also called for his unique acting talents. The despair of darker times had to be evoked through his extensive physical repertoire: the flex of a muscle; the raise of an eyebrow; monotone muttering and his way of emoting, in a manner that makes you think he's got wind. Bronzed rippling thighs, an impeccably furry loincloth and flowing locks only added to the charm that would later land our boy the governorship of California. Oh for those bygone days when Arnold Schwarzenegger, 2004's Colgate-grinned politico, was the far less terrifying Conan. Conan The Destroyer, the sequel to the multi-million dollar box office success that wasConan The Barbarian, is a riot of action, mythology and teeth-grinding awfulness. You know this from the off, from the red and orange skies that fill the screen, the cod-Celtic font that announces the cast list, the camera swooning over Arnie's bumps and bulges. Here be horsemen moving in slow motion, and horsemen screaming in slow motion: the sound of an "AAAAAAAAARGH" sweeping across a vista of sand and stone. It's horribly, achingly, bad, but in badness lies the great pleasure of watching, pointing, and laughing. The tale throws in as many legendary motifs as it can muster: a virginal princess chosen by birth to go on a journey to find a key that only she must touch; a plan to sacrifice her; some ancient scrolls; a castle guarded by a one-eyed bearded wizard who turns into a "bird of smoke" and a cave carved with hieroglyphs. Our young heroine, Jehnna (D'Abo) - a little prima donna who falls in lust with Arnie's manly bulk - is even required to give various gentlemen the horn. One carved from ivory, naturally, and full of mystical import, but a perky little object nevertheless. Grace Jones' Zula is the best thing about the film; her Amazonian warrior a butt-kicking clich??, but fun to watch, especially when she's overpowering bearded enemies with a sharp stick. The film's best line also emerges when Jehnna and Conan come across her. "There are six of them against her!" cries our girl, engaging Conan's intellectually challenged response "1...2...3... I think you're right!" A case of he's got the brawn and she's got the brains. Amusing lines aside, most of this still stinks. Conan's sidekick, Malak (Walter), is a criminally unfunny precursor to Blackadder's Baldrick, whose attempts at seduction are enough to summon a sickbag. The plot holes, meanwhile, are bigger than those breaking up the ozone. Verdict A muscle-bound mythological romp that's full of bombast and bluster: all the excess of the 1980s in Arnold Schwarzenegger's burly shadow. Excruciatingly but entertainingly. |
