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Conan the Barbarian
Epic warrior adventure about a boy who is sold into slavery and transforms himself into a muscular colossus determined to avenge his family's brutal slaughter. Grrrrr
The greatest, maddest, biggest and most preposterous warrior epic ever made launched the movie career of the man mountain otherwise known as Arnold Schwarzenegger. It tells the brutal story of a boy from the "Hyborean age" (some kind of prehistoric era when men were men and "steel" was worshipped - that's all you need to know) who witnesses the merciless massacre of his family by a tribe of psycho warriors - the closest this film gets to tenderness is when the boy's mother is beheaded while he holds her hand. After years of slavery, pushing a gigantic "wheel of pain" (don't ask) the boy becomes a man, or more importantly Conan (Schwarzenegger) and is sold to a drifter, who sees his potential as a gladiator. Much lung puncturing gore follows, and a pleasant spot of Eastern mysticism, before Conan earns his freedom and goes on a rampage of bloody revenge. Along the way he enjoys numerous adventures including crucifixion and romantic trysts, and there's a marvellous moment when he floors a camel with a smashing right hook. Conan The Barbarian is a brilliantly realised fantasy - it looks fantastic and the whole Dungeons and Dragons nonsense, based on Robert E Howard's original pulp comic book stories, is stunningly realised. The plot is daft but it's given tremendous weight by haunting performances from James Earl Jones as the murderous demi-god Thulsa Doom, and Bergman veteran Max Von Sydow as King Osric. The movie took a long time to reach the screen, going through several rewrites - Oliver Stone's draft was said to be far more surreal - and it's often said that the films themes were a vehicle for writer/director John Milius' far right politics. Even more sinister is the revelation that every heavy metal band of the 1980s modelled their looks and cover artwork on the movie, with its headbands, manky long hair and stinky leather waistcoats. To the actors' credit, everybody looks suitably repugnant - except, that is, for the foxy heroine, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) who, cleverly, with her just-stepped out-of-the-salon hair, must have invented Hyborean shampoo. Verdict Conan The Barbarian is a truly enjoyable non-stop fantasy romp, melding John Milius' macho, epic sensbilities with Arnold Schwarzenegger's dubious muscular charms. |
